There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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