I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
