I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
