does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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