I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
