My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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