youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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