Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
