The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
