8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
