Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
