Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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