if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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