kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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