I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
