one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
