All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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