If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
