Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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