im calling her cock vulture from now on
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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