pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
