dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
