I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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