Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
