That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
