Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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