when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
