when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
