after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
