Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
