Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
