he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
