apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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