I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
