I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I fill condoms, not promises.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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