just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
