i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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