I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
