how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
