I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
