i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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