then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
