people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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