she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
