You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
