when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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