I wish I only lived at night.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
