not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
