You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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