sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
