i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
